On Behalf of Blondes Everywhere, My Gripe With Starbucks’ New “Light-Bodied” Blend

Every major news source has been regurgitating the news of Starbucks‘ new Blonde roast all week long; from the Miami Herald to the Huff Post’s Food Blog, to USA Today, the AP writeup has been amazingly prolific regarding Starbucks “going blonde.”

Here’s the issue: I actually am a blonde courtesy of DNA, and I find it a little insulting that a coffee being described as “weak” or “less intense” is given a name of Blonde. I mean, Eater even termed it a coffee for a “nation of pussies.” I kinda don’t want pussy coffee for the puny American palate to be named after me.

Already the comments have started, even on Starbucks’ own blog, where a reader left the following line, “Now I get to have a tall blonde every morning.” Uh, seriously, did no one at the company see that coming? Just the first of many, I’m sure.

When Starbucks releases its new packaging in January, the coffee

rankings will be “blonde,” “medium,” and “dark” to indicate which roast

you’re buying. Leads one to wonder why medium and dark did not translate

into brown and black, but well, that just sounds a tad

bit… prejudiced, no? Suddenly, I miss the politically correct ’90s.

I swear I am perfectly capable of screwing in a light bulb, I can dial 911

without looking for the 11 on my keypad, and I have never

thanked a boy for a “refill” when he blew in my ear. Oh, I know, supposedly we “have more fun,” so maybe the coffee comes with confetti? It’s a mystery.

The “Veranda” and “Willow Blend” are made with beans that represent a shorter duration of roasting time, and various comments online ranged from “boring” to describing it as being more appropriate as an iced tea. Not exactly the association one wants to wave a flag about.

Guess I’m just sensitive. You know us blondes.

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