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The Miami Heat’s epic collapse against the Dallas Mavericks in the NBA Finals earlier this month still stings. But the pain has been assuaged a bit by the way Dallas Mavericks’ owner Mark Cuban, some of his players, and especially fans have acted since winning the title. If you can tell a lot about people when they are facing adversity, you can tell just as much about them when they have ultimate success.
This point was made crystal clear by ultimate Mavs fan Derek “Dildo” Dilday who adorned his rump with a large Dirk Nowitzki tattoo. Let that sink in a moment. According to our step-sister paper the Dallas Observer, Dilday got the tattoo because he promised as much on Facebook when the Mavs made it to the finals. Let that sink in also. We’re all for Mavs fans making asses of themselves, but this may be taking it too far. Shouldn’t someone have told him he should abstain from staining his ass? Here are six reasons we could think of:
6. Jail Sodomy
We can only assume that jailbirds in the greater Dallas/Fort Worth area
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are just as fanatical as the rest of that area’s freaks. If Dilday ever
runs afoul of the law, he might have to spend some time in the clink. And
if he does, they’ll be lining up to pay homage to Nowitzki in the
flesh. (Note: Butt rape is almost never funny. But there are
exceptions.)
5. Aging
As you age, you are faced with the inevitable drooping butt syndrome, and,
in this case, Dilday’s ass will increasingly resemble a character from
Lord of the Rings, (take your pick: Gollum or Gandalf).
Or maybe if he’s lucky, Captain Sig Hansen from The Deadliest Catch.
4. Medical Anomaly
At some point, Dilday is going to have to drop trou in front of a doctor
and we’re guessing the following panicked conversations will take place.
“Nurse, nurse get in here stat. Look at this. It’s the world’s largest
hemorrhoid! Call Guinness.”
3. Tattoos Can Be Addictive
Once you get one, you’ll want more. And in this case, that’s trouble.
What’s next? Having Jason Kid and J.J. Barea’s likeness inked on your
balls or Cuban’s image tattooed on your peepee (he is a dick after
all!)? Can you tattoo a turd? That would make a great spot for Jason
Terry’s mug.
2. Facial/Ass Hair
Nowitzki has notoriously bad facial hair to begin with, but say Dilday is
one of those unfortunate people who has a lot of ass hair (and we’re
guessing he is), then the tattoo will look like a scary Wolfman Dirk.
1. Dating
Trust us, the chances of Dilday actually landing a wife or girlfriend
are small. But if he ever happens to fool a girl (or boy) into the sack
and he strips down to his skivvies, they will run for the exit when
they see that YOU HAVE A GIANT DIRK NOWITZKI TATTOO ON YOUR ASS.
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