Oscars 2013: Last Night’s Real Winners (and Losers)

Last night, the 85th Academy Awards celebrated the art of filmmaking. Just kidding! As usual, the Oscars gave us all a chance to gawk at celebrities talking while wearing shiny things, in the hopes that we might see their jokes fail, watch them fall down, or at least spot a little sideboob.

That trifecta was achieved last night (thanks to Seth McFarlane, Jennifer Lawrence, and Anne Hathaway, respectively), as well as the task of announcing the winners of 24 categories in under four hours. By now you know that Argo dominated, Daniel Day-Lewis won as predicted, and Django Unchained‘s Best Original Screenplay award gave Quentin Tarantino a chance to get up on stage and tell everybody how great he is.

But those are just the Academy Awards. Who won the Oscars broadcast — and who failed at being famous? Our picks, after the jump.

See also:

– The Oscars Best Picture Nominees, as Illustrated By Emoji

Winner: Quvenzhane Wallis

Did she take home the golden trophy? Of course not; girl is 9 years old. But with those gun show moves, if she didn’t take home your heart, you are dead inside.

Loser: The Academy Awards Orchestra

It probably wasn’t the orchestra’s choice to play the night’s minor winners off the stage with the music from Jaws. But “we were just following orders” didn’t work for the Nazis, and it doesn’t work in Hollywood. Seriously: rude.

Winner: Jennifer Lawrence

Lawrence must have been convinced she wouldn’t win, because she wore a dress with a parachute-sized skirt that made climbing the steps to the stage impossible. After the fell, the audience gave her a standing ovation — and she immediately called them out on it. Never change, Katniss.

Loser: Kristen Stewart

Worst. Pimp limp. Ever.

Winner: Nelson

The ’90s rockers weren’t present last night, of course. But their long, stringy, white-blonde rock look is clearly back in style, at least among Hollywood’s tech set.

Loser: Sound Editors

It’s bad enough that they’re allowed a shorter time on stage, and even worse that they’re going to get sharked off the stage, and absolutely awful that the winners had to be announced by a creepily realistic animated teddy bear. Then Mark Wahlberg announced it was a tie between Skyfall and Zero Dark Thirty. Now they have to share the limelight too?

Winner: Grant Heslov

Otherwise known as the meat in a victorious Ben Affleck/George Clooney sandwich.

Loser: Anne Hathaway

Yes, she won Best Supporting Actress, and she probably made an inspired speech afterwards. But all of America was too busy looking at her chest to notice. Nipples? Poor dress construction? Fembot-style weaponry? The possibilities were endless.

Follow Ciara LaVelle on Twitter @ciaralavelle.

Follow Cultist on Facebook and Twitter @CultistMiami.