Kim Kardashian Could Take Miami — But We’d Rather She Didn’t

Kim Kardashian’s recent trip to Miami to scout locations for her store D-A-S-H has led some to speculate that a new version of her eponymous reality show could be headed this way.

But Miami has already been taken! By Kardashians! We’re specifically referring to 2009’s Kourtney & Khloe Take Miami. And although Kim only appeared in a handful of those episodes (according to IMDB; we swear we didn’t watch), we at Cultist firmly believe that Miami cannot — and should not — be taken again. Besides, didn’t Kim and kolleagues just take New York?

Taking Miami is so three years ago. So instead of our fair city, we have a few suggestions for things that Kim and kompany can take instead.

Speed dating by storm
Those who saw Kourtney & Kim Take

New York (or, you know, existed during the fall) know that Kim filed

for divorce from Kris Humphries a mere 72 days into wedded bliss. In an

interview, Kim suggested that perhaps her “fairy tale has a different

ending than [she] dreamed it would.” So why not search for a new Prince

Charming, 15 men at a time? Bonus: spending only a few minutes with each

guy will help her ascertain who is good at speaking in sound bites.

The LSAT
Lawyers

are expensive, and Kim has sadly already gone through two marriages.

Throw in all her reality show contracts, her lawsuit targeting an Old Navy commercial featuring a look-alike, and any possible legal

issues with her store, and that could add up to a lot of kash. So why

not follow in the footsteps of her late father and become a lawyer? Who

knows, maybe she can use her star power to convince the California Bar

to let her change a JD into a KD.

Dance lessons
Kim

and her brother Rob have already starred as kontestants on Dancing With

the Stars, so it’s only a matter of time before the rest of the family gets featured. These classes could help give the Kardashians a leg up

when it comes to the samba, cha-cha, or that war of the feet known as the

Argentine tango. Plus, after finishing in 11th and second place

respectively, Kim and Rob could help one of their siblings finally waltz

away with the mirror ball trophy.

Animals home from a shelter
That

treacly Sarah McLachlan ad against animal cruelty really pulls at the

heartstrings, but can be a bit much on repeat viewings. We at Cultist

love pets, and feel that perhaps the campaign against abused dogs and

gatos could benefit from a socialite face lift. Added bonus: Kim could use this

effort to get back into the good graces of PETA, which recently awarded

her one of its first “Celebrity Grinch Awards” and blasted her

fur-loving ways on a Beverly Hills billboard.

Public transportation
Private

jets are fun, but public transportation can be much more entertaining. I

mean, have you ever heard of a shark being left on a limo? We

thought not — madness like that only happens on the Metro mover. Perhaps a few rides on the People Mover and the South Beach quarter bus

could convince Kim to become a lobbyist for a Miami metro system to

rival New York’s or D.C.’s.

A break
Most Americans

have gone their entire lives without appearing on a reality TV show, and

are able to do just fine. We imagine that Kim and kompatriots could

really learn to enjoy a few months (years? decades?) without their every

oil enema being filmed for American consumption. Sure The Soup may

suffer a bit, but that’s the sole reason why Swamp People exists, right?

–Jordana Mishory

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