Audio By Carbonatix
Miami’s had a tough football year, and that’s putting it nicely. But it’s about to get even worse, when the city’s droves of New York and New Jersey transplants take to the streets, the bars, and Sun Life Stadium clad in green to support the Jets in the last game of the regular season. On New Year’s Day, our city will be a house divided. Can we learn to love our rivals to the north, or does our own failed season just make us hate them more?
Love: Big game this weekend, Dol-phans. The Jets still have a chance to make the playoffs (though it’s complicated). And it’s been a tough season for the Fins. What are they playing for? A draft pick? Pride? Do the Dolphins even have pride? Because the Jets definitely do!
Hate: Jets pride? Psh. It’s true that the Fins have had a tough year — even with an 0-7 start to the season, there was hope on the horizon that Andrew Luck would come to town. Now that we’ve won enough games to keep us from having any hope at drafting a new quarterback next year, the only thing we can look forward to is ruining the New York Jets season by keeping them from making the playoffs. Bring it.
Love: You’ll need more than Luck to beat the Jets — you
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will need play-makers, something the Fins don’t possess. You think Bush
will run over the Jets like he did the Bills? Please. He’ll get crushed
like a dork asking a cheerleader to prom. After the Jets manhandle Bush,
he’ll be begging Kim Kardashian to take him back. Bush will be so
deflated, he might even feel remorse for ruining USC’s football program.
Who else is going to beat the Jets? Brandon “no man is an island except
me” Marshall? That guy doesn’t know the definition of teamwork, he’s
all-for-one, one-for-me. He’ll be stranded on Revis Island, anyway. And
if the Fins plan to count on their fans for support, they must be high — there’ll be more Jets fans there, as usual.
Hate:
At least we’re not Jets fans — there’s nothing worse. Year after year
they come into a season thinking they’re going to be the best team in
the league, that they have the best players, when all they really have
are the biggest mouths. They’ve boasted for the last two years that
they’re Super Bowl contenders, but once again, they’re right on the
cusp of not even making the playoffs. To see them crushed in the last
game of the year will be like getting an extra day of Chanukah.
Love:
Again? Put down the pipe, bro. The Jets were in the last two AFC
Championships. That’s one game from the Super Bowl. Sure, they’re
chasing a wild card this year, but the Packers and the Steelers, the
last two Super Bowl winners, were both wild card teams. The Jets have
had a very difficult schedule, and if it comes down to defeating the
Dolphins to get in, you can call your bookie and bet the farm on the
Jets. Rex Ryan will have those guys fired up and ready to play, even if
it’s only for pride.
Hate: The only thing Rex Ryan
will be firing up is a toe jam sandwich as he sits home watching the
playoffs unfold like his belly flopping over his belt. It’s just like a
Jets fan to think that just because they’re in the same position as the
last two Super Bowl champions, that somehow means the Jets are following
the same path. Trust me: Mark Sanchez ain’t no Aaron Rodgers or Big
Ben, and the Jets are no Super Bowl Champions.
Love:
Mark Sanchez may not be a top 10 quarterback, but he’s more experienced
than Matt Moore, and he’s a hell of a lot more handsome! Don’t worry.
Sanchez and Ryan will show up this Sunday — more than can be said about
Sparano. How embarrassing! The Dolphins wouldn’t even let him finish
out the year! You don’t even have a coach, so don’t even talk about
T-Rex.
Hate: Hey no need to kick a blind man when
he’s down. Unfortunately for the Jets, coaches won’t be on the field —
it’ll be Cameron Wake, Karlos Dansby, and old man Jason Taylor (who
tasted that Gang Green and came running back to a real team), all
putting Sanchez’ pretty face in the ground. Sure, the ‘Fins may not have
had the best season. Yes, we had to get rid of yet another ineffective
coach. And fine, we have no chance to make the playoffs. But man, is it
going to be sweet watching the boys in green eating hot dogs on the
sideline through a stream of tears.
–J.J. Colagrande and Ric Delgado
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