Sports

Whomever you pray to or worship, thank it/he/she/they for the many blessings that have arrived today: The Miami Heat is officially back in our lives.

The Dolphins lost another football game yesterday, this time 31-21 to the Buffalo Bills. Rather than boring you with all of the statistics and takes about whether it’s good the Dolphins moved to 0-6 this season, we’ll just present video evidence of how Miami bookended the game with two of the worst football plays you’ll ever see.

Perhaps you’ve seen it in the newspapers, but for those who just returned from a backpacking trip through the Amazon, we have some very sad and unfortunate news: The 2019 Miami Dolphins are a hideous football team with which you should under no circumstances make eye contact.

Perhaps those hundred or so games Dwyane Wade played with the Chicago Bulls and Cleveland Cavaliers from 2016 to 2018 have prepared Miami Heat fans for life without the franchise’s greatest star. Maybe Wade’s incredible farewell season and the fact he had nothing left to prove or accomplish will lessen the sting a bit.

Yesterday the Miami Dolphins played arguably the most important game at Hard Rock Stadium since, well, when was El Clásico? Fans were treated to a textbook showdown between two winless teams that were maybe, probably, arguably trying to out-suck each other in what can only be referred to as the 2019 Tank Bowl.

Outside of his family, friends, and Miami Heat fans, there is no one on Earth who loves Dwyane Wade more than his former coworkers. Wade is adored by just about everyone who came into contact with him during his 15 seasons with the Heat, from longtime teammates to the coaching staff to the broadcast team.

Perhaps you have heard the news — the Miami Dolphins are *not* having a superfantastic football season. They are not the greatest football team, and they most definitely are not moving the ball from goal to goal like no one has ever seen.

The greyhound industry isn’t taking defeat well. After unsuccessfully suing to keep a measure banning dog racing off the Florida ballot last year, greyhound breeders and trainers are headed back to court. This time, they’re arguing that the ban — approved by 69 percent of state voters in the 2018 election — strips their dogs of their earning potential.

We now interrupt your regularly scheduled column about the Miami Dolphins for some urgent, breaking, and exclusive sports-related content. A Dolphins fan has done a thing, and you should know about it.

In 2019, a grand total of 6,776 home runs were hit during the Major League Baseball season, an astounding 671 more than the previous record set in 2017. Fifteen teams in MLB broke their all-time franchise for dingers…

It’s time to call it: Miami is a basketball town. No ifs, ands, or buts about it — it’s clear the Miami Heat is the darling of the Dade County sports world.

The good news is that on Sunday, the Miami Dolphins looked better than they have all season. They even had a lead at one point! The bad news is the Miami Dolphins have been so bad this season that getting quietly thumped by the San Diego Chargers 30-10 qualifies as progress.

Miami sports fans have some unfortunate recent experience with ranking near last. Between the Marlins losing 100 games, the Heat missing the playoffs, and the Dolphins doing their damnedest to ensure they don’t win a game again until next season, rooting on the local teams has been quite the chore lately.

Everyone is mad that the Miami Dolphins are bad. The fans are mad. The players are mad. And the national media, most flamboyantly, is mad.

If the NFL counted style points, the Dolphins might have earned themselves a few yesterday. Unfortunately, the NFL doesn’t keep track of how pretty you looked in a 31-6 loss, so the Dolphins are just your normal, everyday 0-3 after their latest loss to the Dallas Cowboys.

Honestly, we thought we would have stopped doing this by now. Tracking the Dolphins’ mission to #TankForTua seemed like a good idea when the season began, but we figured by now there would be more pressing matters to deal with and newsier news to discuss.

Since 1997, American Airlines has had naming rights of the arena where the Miami Heat plays basketball — a deal that has paid the airline back many times over as its name has been in front of thousands of cameras at Heat games for more than two decades. Come this time next year, though, naming rights could switch to a company that specializes in people getting laid on camera.

Following a 59-10 whooping at the hands of the Baltimore Ravens in the season opener, most Dolphins fans figured their team wouldn’t find much relief in a Week 2 matchup against the New England Patriots. Most assumed Tom Brady and the Pats’ offense…

Author’s note: The Miami Dolphins are obviously plotting to #TankForTua (University of Alabama quarterback Tua Tagovailoa) this season. We know it, they know it, the rest of the NFL knows it. Tagovailoa also knows it. Weekly in this space, we will document the most recent tanking attempt and peek at…

Life isn’t fair, but being a football fan in Miami right now is beyond unfair. Between the Hurricanes’ 0-2 start and the Dolphins’ purposely inserting their team into the toilet bowl just to watch it circle the drain (see: 59-10 ass-kicking in Week 1), 2019 promises to be one big wet fart sound if you were expecting either team to contend for anything at all.

You know when you stub your toe and there’s that split-second delay before your body reports back about the level of pain? Well, we all knew the Miami Dolphins were going to stub their toe against the Baltimore Ravens in the season opener Sunday, but it was so much worse than we could have imagined.

Welcome, welcome, Miami Dolphins fans, to your 2019 #TankForTua headquarters. You’ll find an open bar next to the doughnuts in the back of the room. Because the Dolphins have apparently decided to use this season as a preseason for next season.