The U Has Failed to Attract Recruits From Miami

Uncle Luke, the man whose booty-shaking madness made the U.S. Supreme Court stand up for free speech, gets as nasty as he wants to be for Miami New Times. This week, Luke breaks down the latest setback for the Hurricanes football program. National Signing Day, February 4, is around the…

Taco Madness: Taquiza, Coyo, and Bodega Step Up

The taco-making begins with a whir and a screech. Late one weekday morning, Steve Santana, the bespectacled chef of Miami Beach’s Taquiza, uses a power tool to deepen the narrow channels in two thick rock discs, which wear down every week while crushing corn into masa, the dough that becomes…

Macchialina and Seagrape Nail Spaghetti Alle Vongole

We often take for granted simple foods, like a traditional Margherita pizza or a warm grilled-cheese sandwich. That is, until we taste a bad version; then we gain a new-found appreciation for them. It’s also then that we begin to realize that our beloved Margherita pizza and grilled-cheese sandwich aren’t…

Tables for Two Are Too Small

If you and a spouse/mate/lover/friend head out for dinner, sometimes it ain’t easy. As the plates keep landing on your table for two, dinner becomes a game of Jenga. The half-eaten bowl of Brussels sprouts balances at the table’s edge. A slight reach for a morsel of meat risks sending…

Jealous Rappers: Stop Hating on Iggy Azalea

Uncle Luke, the man whose booty-shaking madness made the U.S. Supreme Court stand up for free speech, gets as nasty as he wants to be for Miami New Times. This week, Luke defends a female Australian rapper who’s making hits. Rap artists like Q-Tip and Azealia Banks waste time hating…

Michelle Bernstein Reappears With Panache at Seagrape

Inside Seagrape’s dimly lit dining room at the Thompson Miami Beach, a meticulously plated starter dish is revealed courtesy of our waiter’s iPhone flashlight. Veiled in foam are locally grown squash blossoms infused with mousse derived from Florida shrimp. Underneath is a sauce prepared from the shellfish’s heads plus plenty…

Pepe Billete: Memories of My Abuela

Fidel Castro is dead. I’ve lived the majority of my life under the watch of the admittedly impulsive eye of the exile community. I’ve celebrated Fidel’s death in the streets of both Hialeah and la saguesera at least three times in the past 15 years, but this time the news…

Stitches Joins eBay, Selling “STITCHES DONK” for $12,600

What’s Miami native, “Brick in Yo’ Face” rapper, internet celebrity, and self-proclaimed cocaine king Stitches do when he’s gotta fund a reup? Apparently, he joins eBay, lists his “STITCHES DONK,” and waits for the bidders to bring a briefcase full of donk dollars to his “threshold.” (That’s Stitches speak for…

Miami Police: Call in the Feds to Stop Shootings

Uncle Luke, the man whose booty-shaking madness made the U.S. Supreme Court stand up for free speech, gets as nasty as he wants to be for Miami New Times. This week, Luke calls for the federal government to investigate gang bangers. Across Miami-Dade County, black communities are under siege. Local…

The University of Miami’s Delta Gamma Recruitment Video Is Gross

The Delta Gamma sorority at the University of Miami released its 2015 recruitment video Thursday. What do bright-faced gals need to join the ranks? Aviator sunglasses, an endless supply of cut-off shorts, and pearly-white teeth — at least according to the video. For more than three minutes, the group of…

Rick Ross Gets Miami Heat Face Tattoo

The Bawse got that Fuego fever. After four straight trips to the NBA Finals and two championships, our Miami Heat (or el Miami Fuego, as the team is known during the National Basketball Association’s annual Noches Latinas) has gotten off to a lackluster start for this 2014-15 season. We lost…

Marco Rubio Will Never Be President

Uncle Luke, the man whose booty-shaking madness made the U.S. Supreme Court stand up for free speech, gets as nasty as he wants to be for Miami New Times. This week, Luke predicts Marco Rubio’s political future. Despite all his blustering about making a run for the Oval Office, Florida…

2015 Is Going To Be Crazy Weird

Uncle Luke, the man whose booty-shaking madness made the U.S. Supreme Court stand up for free speech, gets as nasty as he wants to be for Miami New Times. This week, Luke makes bold predictions for 2015. In 2014, people fed up with white cops killing unarmed black men marched…

Miami’s Ten Best Restaurants Reviewed in 2014

For Miami dining, 2014 was the year of simplicity. There was, as has long been the case, the onslaught of celebrity chefs planting their flags on our shores. But beyond these big names, homegrown culinary talent continued to boil down cuisine into its simplest, most delicious form…

Dear Trick Daddy: Please Open a Restaurant

Where has T double D been? Yes, yes Miami’s maestro of trill had a recent run-in with the law over cocaine, gun possession and driving with a suspended license. But more importantly the hometown hero has been putting in work in the kitchen. This explains the recent weight gain. But…

LeBron is Coming To Town, Let’s Be Nice About It

How you hanging in there Miami? I know, I know – you don’t want to talk about it. But we need to talk about this. He’s gone. He left and I know it hurts, but it is what it is. These things happen, people change and they move on and…