Well, let’s see. We’ve tried massive drug abuse. Profane violence. Riding the bus. Animal photos. Baby photos. Baby animal photos. Tried to start fights with people who couldn’t care less, which is why we tried to start fights with them. I spend hours some people don’t even know exist A…
So I’m on the bus, not the real bus, an independent thing, but like a bus, just me and the driver, near the last stop, which is my stop. He points out how there’s many people walking around downtown Miami. “Uh, it’s a nice day,” I say. He’s some kind…
In theory, the life of a social columnist should be unutterably fabulous, what with all the random celebrity collusions and the great gravy train of the complementary life. Unfortunately, the glorious era of Cholly Knickerbocker working the Stork Club is long gone. Now it’s all short-order stars and unworthy fame…
The pop life, one vast theater of the irate, a glorified children’s playground where the battles for popularity assume loathsome proportions. Adults, lacking the good sense of children, remaining incapable of taking turns and sharing stardom, forever unwilling to graciously accept the stature of anyone for very long. And so…
How beautifully perfectly ironic it is to get your ass kicked by your own damn livelihood. I mean, all day hanging in the ‘hood with the big dogs, all night floundering around South Beach, no problems really, no injuries certainly, finally to the safety of home, where I walk into…
Spalding Gray, the noted monologist, is pacing around a Park Central hotel room at eleven o’clock in the morning, looking thoroughly Protestant and faintly deranged: socks without shoes, dirty khaki pants, a rumpled and deeply stained blue cotton shirt. The room is a pocket-size arena of chaos — the bed…
Up and down, mostly up, as in no sleep, but who needs that anyway? So you get a little dizzy, a few hallucinations and some way strange pains in your ears and the back of your head, and your body feels like it’s filled with live wasps and your eyes…
Allow me to explain. My life sucks. And I couldn’t be more grateful for it. I regret the past and resent the future and find it impossible to live in the present. But I’ve got ears and eyes and arms and legs and I’ve got Heaven, as that butthorn Robyn…
The frenzy of show business, permeating and corrupting ordinary existence like a plague. Every level of society lately — the talented and valid, the common and just plain lame — behaving like imperious movie stars. Modern life nothing but a vast popularity contest, the contenders eventually willing themselves into the…
I gotta get out more. I gotta spend more time in the office. I need little but I want more. Still more rumors swirling around Marilyn Manson. Stop it. Spreading rumors is my job. Some weeks ago we told you that the group’s deal with Nothing/Interscope was not off, that…
September song in the great banquet of life, the roundelay of chance and opportunity narrowing with the passage of time. Some of our older friends, maddeningly enough, remaining steadfast in the game: one wallowing in visions throughout a two-week peyote tour of Mexico; another off to Bosnia; a beloved filmmaker…
Just there, near the end, the fans could tell he was getting restless. Could tell that the expanse of his prose was pushing at the margins of the columns. Shoving, really. So after four years of florid flutterings and sappy syntax, the move on to greener pastures comes as no…
Baker Don’t you know who I am? No, me neither. After paying five bucks to not see Nil Lara live at Stephen Talkhouse (see “Butthorn of the week” below), I was looking for something to do on the streets of South Beach when I bumped into Rene Alvarez of Forget…
Ambition, the secret passion, transmogrifying an overhyped sandbar into a floating crap game played out in the killing grounds. The nightclub variety of overweening hubris running rampant at the opening of Amnesia, the sister club to the Cap D’Agde institution, yet another beachhead of Eurocentric glitz in the war zone…
Now that we publish the paper on Thursday, this column feels even more dated. Of course a daily column in a daily paper is what it’d take to come close to giving the rock of South Florida the coverage it deserves; we’re doing the best we can. Not that I…
Into the new Grub Street of gossip, the practitioners of the trade losing perspective in the whirl. A true party in the old-fashioned sense of the term — friends who actually like each other, getting together for no other reason than untainted good cheer A becoming faintly ridiculous to the…
My wife is a genius, but I never mention her because she likes anonymity. (You would too if you were married to me.) She does all kinds of things, including she reads like 30 or 40 hardcovers a day, occasionally turning me on to — well, for example, how this…
The NATPE convention, turbocharged and running wild down the info superhighway wasteland, the week of a thousand stars you never really thought about but suddenly had to meet. A glorious idyll in television heaven with the National Association of Television Programming Executives, fame fever spreading all over the city like…
In the great cosmic connection, karma, whatever you call reality, I’m the man. That’s what they say: Dude, you the man. My power and influence over South Florida’s rock scene is immeasurable, my word is gold, I rule. Don’t believe me? Okay, a recent example, then. Not long ago I…
Nothing human is entirely foreign, although the recognition of la condition humaine somehow offers small comfort in the interactive zoo of Miami, a jungle habitat freed from the constraints of normal society. The animals rule, lawlessness prevails, and the polite are left in the dirt like so many spoor droppings…
All my life I always said I’d never live past age 36. That’s how old was my personal savior, Marilyn Monroe, when she was murdered by the pigs or accidentally overdosed herself or — and I really doubt this — committed suicide. Besides, it makes a great excuse: So what…
The siren song of nightlife, an alluring chimera of torment and inspiration, the denizens of the night seized by endless hungers: hook me up with power and sex, put my name in boldface, fix my life. — nervy program requiring stamina and a high tolerance for debasement, the pop press…
