The Sumo Diet: Consume Mass Quantities

The basic aim of a sumo wrestler is to push or throw your opponent out of the ring. The bigger you are, the easier it is to push your opponent — hence the large size of the sumo. How do sumo grow so large, and are they athletes or just…

Route 9 Revisited

​I didn’t want to have to respond to the Route 9 brouhaha, but so many untruths are out there that I really have no choice. I made four factual errors in one review — it’s pretty hard to imagine making more, and something like that obviously should never happen. I…

Mugshots Friday: Ultra Music Festival Edition

Every Friday, Riptide brings you the most eye-catching mugshots taken the previous week in Miami-Dade County. Yes, there is some mockery of bad neck tattoos, but also adulation directed at perps who just plain look more badass than we ever will. This is the italicized intro to that series…

Hialeah Mayor Julio Robaina’s Discreet Spending

As Julio Robaina courts voters in his quest to become Miami-Dade County mayor, he’s promising to do away with the county commission’s discretionary funds: a chest of taxpayer money the 13 members may dole out to whomever and for whatever they want. How noble of Hialeah’s mayor — and hypocritical.During…

The Crumbs’ I Fell in Love With An Alien Girl

The Crumbs I Fell in Love With An Alien Girl 7″ (Recess Records) recessrecords.com Admittedly, I had some grandiose ideas for this Blast From the Past. But now that I am thick in the drink and have spent the better part of the last hour grinding my needle into the…

Great Restaurant Dishes For $10 or Under

Last week we aimed the spotlight at ten overpriced restaurant dishes; this week we go the other way. I would like to have called this The 5 Best Restaurant Dishes For $10 Or Under, but there are way too many great deals in town to warrant so declarative a statement.For…

Coral Gables Candidates Raise More Than Half-A-Million Dollars

The election season in the City Beautiful is entering the home stretch. Coral Gables voters will be casting their ballots for mayor and two city commissioners on April 12. The latest quarterly campaign finance reports show the candidates have raised a total of more than $685,000. City residents can meet…

Miami Could Be The First Wave In A Stripper Tsunami

Uncle Luke, the man whose booty-shaking madness once made the U.S. Supreme Court stand up for free speech, gets as nasty as he wants to be for Miami New Times. This week, Luke — who is a candidate to replace more-boring-than-bread-pudding Miami-Dade Mayor Carlos Alvarez — explains his plan to…

Ultra Bingo: Vicks Inhaler!

People who use Vicks Inhalers are either (a) suffering from severe nasal congestion, or (b) rolling balls at Ultra Music Festival. Each year in March, we buy stock in Procter and Gamble, knowing very well that inhaler sales will skyrocket during the days leading up to the fest. And no,…

Ultra Bingo: Plastic Bracelets!

Ultra Music Festival is for lovers. We saw so many cute raver couples giving each other little back rubs and blowing kisses at one another while dancing to the beat of house music. Some shared water bottles by pouring ice-cold H20 over their heads. Others professed their love for each…

Ultra Bingo: Hello Kitty!

Everyone knows the best way to smuggle drugs is stashing that weight inside something that’s not typically associated with illicitness, i.e hollowed-out copies of holy texts, extra-large coconuts, live Labrador retriever puppies, etc. So stuffing your four-year-old niece’s Hello Kitty backpack full of pills isn’t a bad strategy for evading…

Miguel Pando, the Ritz-Carlton’s Tanning Butler, Has Miami’s Sexiest Job

Twenty-year-old Miguel Pando is a tanning butler. His job: to stroll around the Ritz-Carlton South Beach pool and beach and offer tanning supplies to guests. Oh, and to also apply the tanning lotion on hard-to-reach body parts like backs, shoulders, and necks. Michelle Payer, the hotel’s public relations director, created…