Audio By Carbonatix
Noise. It sucks. It hurts the ear.
But every year, Rat Bastard’s International Noise Conference draws sickos from around the world to Churchill’s Pub for a free, curated, four-night concert series featuring the worst sounds humans are capable of producing without drones or laptops.
All the bands have terrible names. Here are the ten worst.
10. Loop Retard
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Objection: The Americans with Disabilities Act does not approve
Suggestion: Asperger’s Loop
9. Ironing
Objection: Hard to pronounce.
Suggestion: Burning Sideways Iron in Your Mouth
8. Unicorn Hard-On
Objection: Exclusionary.
Suggestion: Tumescent Magic Horse Cock in Hot, Wet, Magic-Horse Pussy.
7. Ballscarf
Objection: It’s only ever cold enough to wear a ballscarf in Miami once a year.
Suggestion: Testicular Wifebeater
6. Chrome Dick
Objection: Ruins nerve endings.
Suggestion: Non-Corrosive Spray-On Chrome Dick Spray
5. Low Level Lazer Radiation
Objection: Boooooring.
Suggestion: Exploding Radiation Up Your Ass Twice Repeatedly
4. Lazer Slut
Objection: What’s with all the lazers?
Suggestion: Lazier Slut
3. Lazy Magnet
Objection: Not enough lazers.
Suggestion: Lazer Dragnet
2. Venison Whirled
Objection: Hippie shit.
Suggestion: Baby Deer Cheese Grater
1. Oubliette
Objection: Sounds French.
Suggestion: A Form of Dungeon Accessible Only From a Hatch in a High Ceiling
International Noise Conference 2012. Wednesday, February 8, to Saturday, February 11. Churchill’s Pub, 5501 NE 2nd Ave., Miami. The noise begins at 9 p.m. on Wednesday and Thursday, 7 p.m. on Friday, and 5 p.m. on Sunday. No cover. Call 305-757-1807 or visit churchillspub.com.
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