Hurricanes Have a Hollywood-Worthy Training Montage

Every great Hollywood sports movie where our heroes must turn themselves from chumps into champs includes the ever important montage. Or as South Park once sang it, “We’re gonna need a montage. (Montage!) A sports-training montage! (Montage!).”Indeed coming off a 7-6 season and under the guidance of a new coach…

Former Marlin Miguel Cabrera Charged With DUI

Former Florida Marlins star Miguel Cabrera, who in his rookie season helped the Fish clasp a World Series, has been charged with a DUI and resisting arrest up near his home in Port St. Lucie. It’s the latest downfall involving alcohol in the life of the gifted slugger…

Angel Rodriguez, Krop High Basketball Star, Wanted By Police

As if ever-mounting eligibility conflicts weren’t enough turmoil for the state’s number-one-ranked basketball squad: Miami-Dade Police have issued a warrant for Krop High star guard Angel Rodriguez’s arrest after he skipped a court date yesterday. 19-year-old Rodriguez, whose play has propelled Krop to a district championship this year, was due…

Miami FC Changing Its Name: Here’s Our Five Suggestions

Miami FC, South Florida’s chronically anonymous professional soccer team, has tried everything in its quest to get fans interested. It signed the greatest player ever– ten years and a thousand mistresses past Romário’s prime. It picked up two Cuban defectors in a clear bit of pandering to the Cafe Versailles…

D-Wade Drops 41 as Heat Stave Off Pacers

After turning in a few lackluster performances of late, the never-ending news cycle and knee-jerk brigade turned its attention to Dwyane Wade and his sudden and abrupt downfall as a the alpha dog on this Miami Heat team, while LeBron James took center stage as The Man With The Biggest…

Randy Shannon Declines Maryland’s Offer

With ESPN scheduling Miami’s season opener against Maryland for its sweet Labor Day night spot, it seemed the drama would be that former Hurricanes head coach Randy Shannon would be on the opposite sideline coordinating the Terrapin’s defense. Now, according to the Baltimore Sun though an agreement was almost in…

Joey Saint, Brian Brody Execute 600-Pound Splash Flawlessly

In the ultra competitive, bruising world of professional wrestling, a viciously creative signature move is what separates the stars from the understudies.Joey “The Portrait of American Horror” Saint, clocking in at 400 pounds, and Brian “The Beast” Brody, who packs 200 pounds, combine to form a fiendishly diabolical human smash…

2011 Miami Hurricanes Schedule Released

The 2011 Miami Hurricanes Schedule has been released, and despite some rumors, they won’t be opening the season against Florida State. Though the opener could be even more interesting as they’ll travel up to Maryland for a Monday night game on September 5 to be broadcast on ESPN. Yes, former…

Dada 5000 Delivers On Guarantee, Crushes Timothy Papp Jr.

Fifty seconds. That’s how quick Dhafir Harris, aka Dada 5000, dispatched Timothy Papp Jr., an Oklahoma MMA fighter with more experience than the Perrine Spartan. Prior to stepping into the ring with Papp, Harris told New Times, “I need to inflict pain on him real quick so people know I…

Shakey Situation: Krop High Shouldn’t Have Escaped Disqualification

This news story will appear in Wednesday’s issue of New Times. It includes reporting that was published last week on our news blog, and which was referenced without attribution in this weekend’s Miami Herald. Beansprout teenage basketball players from Dr. Michael M. Krop Senior High, all wearing purple tracksuits, filled…