Pitbull and Ke$ha’s “Timber”: Why This Video Sucks

[Editor’s Note: In his column Serrano Time, award-winning scribe and goofball Shea Serrano writes about his life and times.] Right now, Pitbull’s “Timber,” featuring Ke$ha, is number two on Billboard and number one on my GTFOH chart. I don’t remember the first time I heard this song — it seems…

Miami Northwestern: From Football Scandal to “A” School

Uncle Luke, the man whose booty-shaking madness made the U.S. Supreme Court stand up for free speech, gets as nasty as he wants to be for Miami New Times. This week, Luke assesses the reformation of a once-failing school. Miami Northwestern Senior High Principal Wallace Aristide has done the unthinkable…

Miami’s Ten Most Hated Songs of 2013

It was the first weekend of 2014. Dudes in handlebar mustaches and bushy beards and ladies in beanies, combat boots, and plaid skirts crowded the back patio of Gramps. With a glass of Penicillin on one hand and a cigarette on the other, the (mainly) hipster crew in the Wynwood…

Seattle Woman Ate Only Starbucks All of 2013

Could you imagine getting all of your meals — breakfast, lunch, and dinner — from one eatery for an entire year? Well, Beautiful Existence (yes, her legal name) did just that. What restaurant did the Seattle woman choose? Starbucks, naturally. For each day in 2013, Existence ate all of her…

Louisville Destroyed Miami With Local Kids Who Used to Pick the U

At the Russell Athletic Bowl last weekend, Teddy Bridgewater and his University of Louisville teammates from Miami went on a riot. They looted the University of Miami football program they grew up rooting for and demolished it 36-9. Bridgewater and fellow Miamians Michaelee Harris, Eli Rodgers, John Miller, Charles Gaines,…

Reader Mail: Publix Isn’t Anti-Gay

Bully BS Not funny: I can’t figure out who the writer of your year-in-review piece (“The Year of the Bully,” Michael E. Miller, December 26) is trying harder to be: Dave Barry or Hunter S. Thompson. This is worse than the crap we used to crank out at my college…

Six New Year’s 2014 Resolutions for Miami’s Club Scene

Do you hear that? It’s the sound of another year dissolving into yesterday. All your words, thoughts and actions of 2013 have been locked into place. We hope your regrets are few and your memories fond. Let’s have one more moment of silence for the past. Alright! Now, let’s look…

NYE-Gone-Wild Stories From Miami

Oh, New Year’s Eve … A time for reminiscing about the victories and failures of the past year, celebrating the fresh arrival of a new one, and, if you’re anything like the party animals at the Vagabond, getting piss drunk. It was the last Friday of 2013 and the downtown…

Five New Year’s Resolutions for Miami Food

It’s that time of year again. You’re considering Crossfit and the Master Cleanse as part of your New Year’s resolution, and you’re certainly not alone. Miami’s food scene should be making promises, as well. The city could use a couple of things. Here are just five of ’em. See also:…

Reader Mail: Mandela and Fronting Sex Tourism

No Apologies Miami is the real city of brotherly love: Regarding Luther Campbell’s December 19 column, “Apologize Now,” about Miami leaders snubbing Nelson Mandela: I’m white and from the Northeast. It’s disgusting how openly racist people here in Miami are toward blacks. I don’t know if it’s a Latin American…

Luke’s Best Columns of 2013

A lot of folks get upset over the things I write, but I call ’em like I see ’em based on facts. The Florida Press Club has cited the stuff I’ve come up with, so I know I’m pushing the right buttons sometimes. And judging by the ten most popular…

How to Navigate the Holidays as a Vegetarian

Most of the year, being a vegetarian (or vegan) is little more than a minor inconvenience. After all, you have complete control over what goes into your shopping cart, refrigerator and, inevitably, digestive system. But around the holidays, things get a little more complicated. When faced with potlucks, buffets and…

Pop Music’s Winners and Losers of 2013

You win some, you lose some, and this year in music saw it all. There were some unexpected hits and some downright drown-outs. Some old favorites came back around, some tried and true experts continued their reign of glory, and some classic moves fell off the face of the planet…

Ratchet Christmas: Top Ten Videos

Where all my ho ho hos at? Santa wants all the naughty girls and boys to drop it in his lap, because we’re celebrating the most ratchet Christmas that the streets have ever seen. What makes a ho ratchet? Well, she’s probably gold diggin’ in a messy weave, twerkin’ in…

Miami’s Staggering Inequality Explained in One Map

More any other big city in the nation — with the exception being New York — Miami is a town of two realities. Ours is a city that’s simultaneously inhabited by revelers who preside over clubs with table service and can afford $50,000 to see Tiesto on New Year’s Eve…

Miami’s Best Restaurants that Bit the Dust in 2013

Miami is a volatile town. A restaurant might be ground-breaking and wonderful and exciting, but then it’ll close just a few months after opening. Others might stick around for years, competing against New York imports and shiny, big-pocket places until eventually losing ground. In 2013, the Magic City lost several…